No more tears

I write my feelings down here, because sometimes it helps to get it off my chest. Sometimes what I write only applies to the moment I am writing it down. I do not write things down to offend. The words are neither right or wrong, they are just my feelings at that moment. When I write it down and am able to read it, I can look at myself in a different light and figure out why I feel that way. Then I am able to move on and either fix it, if I can, or forget about it, if I can't do anything. On occasion it doesn't come that easy. Sometimes I have to read it again and again and again before I figure it out, and it may take a little while. But I get it, eventually.

I try not to over react, be paranoid, trip, or whatever you would like to call it, and usually I do pretty good. Sometimes though, my past experiences like to jump into my head and then I find myself doing all of the above. I have to remind myself that this relationship is nothing like any of the others. He really really loves me, and wants me to be in his life. He can put a smile on my face in an instant. He knows what makes me sad. He feels me when I hurt. He is my husband and I am so in love with him.

Why...

I don't want to cry anymore. I was done with all that nonsense. I was perfectly fine and ready to spend the rest of my life alone. I was happy with myself. I didn't need anyone else in my life. I had accepted the fact that I was never going to feel the love from another, never going to know the happiness that comes with having someone to share your life. With that also comes heartbreak, drama, loneliness, fear, and rejection. Those feelings I was happy to be rid of, because that is the way it has always ended, always. I never went into a relationship half heartedly. With each one I truly believed that it was going to be forever. I knew that it was going to be different than the last. It was always with all that I am and all that I could give. And give and give and give is the way it always went. How naive and gullible I am. You would think that I would have learned something from all of that, but no. I don't understand. What is the lesson that I am supposed to be learning? Why do I have to live through this pain over and over and over again. I am so tired of it. I just want to know what it is I need to learn so I don't have to go through this anymore. Am I supposed to just settle? Am I too needy? Do I expect too much? Are my desires unreasonable? What is it!?

I can say in truth that each one was better than the last. Each time there was less physical violence, less bruises to heal. That is a good thing, right? But the pain in the heart is the one that takes forever to mend. And each time there is a piece of you that is destroyed and will never be healed, until one day there will be nothing left to give. Is that my destiny? Is that where I will end up?

I don't want it to end up that way. I want this to be my last time. I want to feel his love always. I can't even imagine my life without him being a part of it. He has taken me places I never dreamed possible. He has resurrected my belief in love. I do admit that he has spoiled me, but now it's like he is taking it back. So why do things always have to change? Why do I feel that I am not doing something right any longer? Why do I feel that I am losing him? Why doesn't he send me songs that remind him of us anymore? Why doesn't he tell me that I am pretty anymore? Why can't he feel my emotions anymore? Why is it that in a 10 minute conversation he has to say what/huh 5 times because he's not paying attention to me? What have I done that has changed that? I shouldn't have to keep telling him what I want, he should know. Shouldn't he? Is it because we are so far away from each other, and we aren't able to hold each other or look into each others eyes? We aren't able to physically share our lives and that is the one thing I want more than anything in this world. I believed that he was the one different from all the rest. Was I wrong? Please tell me that I wasn't...please.

The darkness fades

The darkness inside has been lifted...for now. Will it show its face again? I'm afraid it usually does. I don't want it there. I need the smile inside. The one that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. The one I always feel, at the beginning. Why does that ever have to disappear? Something so wonderful as that should be a constant. Shouldn't it?

I try so very hard to remain positive. I am a positive person. But somewhere, somehow that shadow lurks deep inside of me ready to engulf all that is light and love. It brings doubt and confusion and pain and sorrow and all the negativity that goes along with each one of those. It brings the darkness.

It is said that you can't always have light and love and happiness, or you won't be able to learn and grow. You cannot know one without the other. I question that after you have experienced much darkness shouldn't there come a time when it is all light? Or does that only happen when you pass from this life? I do believe that you can't have black without white, man without woman, negative without positive. A duality. But, why does that have to mean always? I am tired of knowing and feeling the darkness. A little cloudy I can handle...

Hmmm...

Why is it that after you have fallen in love, the man, in general, stops giving you compliments? He thinks that the woman should know how he feels. After all, that was his bait to hook her in the first place. Why should he have to keep complimenting her? The little things you did in the beginning of the relationship is what attracted her to you. Just because you have now professed your love to each other, doesn't mean that it's ok to stop doing those things.

Here is a news flash for the men out there who fall into this category: women like to hear that her man thinks she is pretty, beautiful, hot, sexy. Those words coming out of his mouth do something to her. They give her confidence. They give her a sense of pride. They give her the warm fuzzies. They reinforce her knowing that he loves her. She does not like to be a mind reader all of the time. Just tell her. How hard can it really be? Unless of course you don't think so any longer... because that is what is usually going through her mind. She begins to doubt herself and doubt his love for her. Just tell her, you may be surprised at the results.