Today will probably be the last day I am able to get online until I get to California. To all of my Entrecard droppers I just want you to know that I will be back to dropping regularly after the first of the year, and hope that you will continue to drop. Thank you so much to my readers for stopping by.
The next post I write will be from sunny California! The beginning of a new year and a new journey. Happy New Year to you all!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
As they journey on their own
In 3 days I will be moving to California and my children will be on their own. We have decided that we are all going to get a tattoo symbolizing what our family means to us. We each wrote down 3 words that we felt described us and we each matched one of the words with the other. Below is the tat that we will be getting so we will always be close to each other even though we are many miles away.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Our love in song
I just wanted to share a couple of videos with you. The first one is my song to my husband. I set it as his ring tone when I call him. I am with you baby...to infinity and beyond.
This is the ring tone that is set on my phone when he calls me. He has sang this song to me as he held me in his arms. It was truly magical, and a memory I will cherish always.
This is the ring tone that is set on my phone when he calls me. He has sang this song to me as he held me in his arms. It was truly magical, and a memory I will cherish always.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Nothing is going to stop me
Hurdles, obstacles, being tested, whatever you would like to call it, sucks! Things just can't seem to go smoothly for me. I guess that is life, huh. I have choices though, either let it stop me or don't let it stop me. Well, I'm not going to let anything stop me so I must jump over, go around, break through or do whatever it takes to get past this. Determination and persistence is the key.
I had it planned out almost to the dollar on what this move is going to cost. My last full weeks paycheck would be enough money to get to California, with little for emergencies. So the beginning of this week my boss decides that if the store isn't busy that I need to close early. He just can't afford it is what he tells me. I explained to him that I need a full 40 hours to make this move. What really pisses me off about it is that he had me set up his online banking and stock market accounts, so I know how much money he has in his personal account. I also understand that he doesn't want to start getting into that money for this business. But it is only 400 bucks, and it is Christmas time. I am already not going to do the holiday thing, and that's all right, I just need a full weeks paycheck. Then they have me put in a $2000 order to restock the store, plus another 200 for DVD's! WTF!!! It's like they are rubbing it into my face or something. For reals, I am the only employee, and I do everything in that store. They are so clueless about all the aspects of it. They don't know how to order, do inventory, stock, price, clean, interact with the customers, or even get on the computer and check their email! Pay day was supposed to be yesterday, but I told them that I was going to wait until I got my 40 hours in. I have 28 1/2 and I am just going to show up and work and they are going to pay me. I am not going to settle for any less. That's it!
This kind of shit keeps happening to me in the job field of my life. Seems like I am always getting screwed. There has got to be a lesson in this somewhere that I am just not learning and that is why it keeps happening to me. I just need to figure out what that lesson is so it will stop. Maybe it is that I need to start standing up for myself. I am not very good at doing that, so maybe that is the lesson. I don't know.
Then my children are contributing to the stress. My daughter was supposed to give me her portion of the cell phone bill yesterday, but asks me if she can do it on her next check as this one wasn't very much. I told her that I needed that money and she got all pissy saying, fine then I guess I will just starve for the next week. So of course, I told her to forget about it. The thing is, her boyfriend makes way more money than she does but is so flippin tight he squeaks. They live together, he can contribute more. I don't understand that part, but not my problem.
My son gives me $200 on Tuesday and then 2 days later asks if he could get that money back because he lost all of his money gambling. He said that he would give it back to me on the 29th. I tried to ignore that text, but the thought of him not having gas in his car or food in his apartment pulled on my mother instincts. I gave him back a hundred of it. So he calls me at 2 am, drunk and telling me that he just got a DUI and that he had money in his apartment and I needed to come bail him out in the morning. If he had money, why did he need what he gave me back? And why was he out drinking if he didn't have any gas or food? If he is really telling me the truth, he could lose his job over this. Shouldn't be my problem, right. He's a grown man and needs to figure it out himself.
So, to top it all off, my husbands cell phone is a piece of crap and I haven't been able to hear his voice for the last week or so. You may not think that is a big deal, but for almost a year we have been talking to each other every single day. We have over 20,000 minutes a month combined on the phone. (he is on my plan so it is free). I am going through withdrawals. Yeah baby, I know, I am spoiled.
With only 9 days left until I leave, I will find a way to get through this. My destiny is to be with my husband and nothing is going to stop that.
I had it planned out almost to the dollar on what this move is going to cost. My last full weeks paycheck would be enough money to get to California, with little for emergencies. So the beginning of this week my boss decides that if the store isn't busy that I need to close early. He just can't afford it is what he tells me. I explained to him that I need a full 40 hours to make this move. What really pisses me off about it is that he had me set up his online banking and stock market accounts, so I know how much money he has in his personal account. I also understand that he doesn't want to start getting into that money for this business. But it is only 400 bucks, and it is Christmas time. I am already not going to do the holiday thing, and that's all right, I just need a full weeks paycheck. Then they have me put in a $2000 order to restock the store, plus another 200 for DVD's! WTF!!! It's like they are rubbing it into my face or something. For reals, I am the only employee, and I do everything in that store. They are so clueless about all the aspects of it. They don't know how to order, do inventory, stock, price, clean, interact with the customers, or even get on the computer and check their email! Pay day was supposed to be yesterday, but I told them that I was going to wait until I got my 40 hours in. I have 28 1/2 and I am just going to show up and work and they are going to pay me. I am not going to settle for any less. That's it!
This kind of shit keeps happening to me in the job field of my life. Seems like I am always getting screwed. There has got to be a lesson in this somewhere that I am just not learning and that is why it keeps happening to me. I just need to figure out what that lesson is so it will stop. Maybe it is that I need to start standing up for myself. I am not very good at doing that, so maybe that is the lesson. I don't know.
Then my children are contributing to the stress. My daughter was supposed to give me her portion of the cell phone bill yesterday, but asks me if she can do it on her next check as this one wasn't very much. I told her that I needed that money and she got all pissy saying, fine then I guess I will just starve for the next week. So of course, I told her to forget about it. The thing is, her boyfriend makes way more money than she does but is so flippin tight he squeaks. They live together, he can contribute more. I don't understand that part, but not my problem.
My son gives me $200 on Tuesday and then 2 days later asks if he could get that money back because he lost all of his money gambling. He said that he would give it back to me on the 29th. I tried to ignore that text, but the thought of him not having gas in his car or food in his apartment pulled on my mother instincts. I gave him back a hundred of it. So he calls me at 2 am, drunk and telling me that he just got a DUI and that he had money in his apartment and I needed to come bail him out in the morning. If he had money, why did he need what he gave me back? And why was he out drinking if he didn't have any gas or food? If he is really telling me the truth, he could lose his job over this. Shouldn't be my problem, right. He's a grown man and needs to figure it out himself.
So, to top it all off, my husbands cell phone is a piece of crap and I haven't been able to hear his voice for the last week or so. You may not think that is a big deal, but for almost a year we have been talking to each other every single day. We have over 20,000 minutes a month combined on the phone. (he is on my plan so it is free). I am going through withdrawals. Yeah baby, I know, I am spoiled.
With only 9 days left until I leave, I will find a way to get through this. My destiny is to be with my husband and nothing is going to stop that.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Pondering
One week of work left, two weeks until the move. Excited, nervous, ecstatic, sad, melancholy, a mixture of emotions runs through me. I am leaving everything that I have ever known to start the next chapter in my life. Am I ready for this, maybe not completely, but it is time for me.
The nervous, sad, melancholy part of those feelings has to do with my kids. Everything I have done up to this point has been for my children. Now they are grown and have their own lives. I have raised them to the best of my ability and am very confident in their ability to lead productive lives. They are not without their faults and I will always worry about that, but they need to be able to work that out without me as their safety net.
The excited, ecstatic, nervous feelings are for this new life that I am about to live. I sometimes still find it unreal that I have met the man that I will be spending the rest of my life with. A year ago I had come to accept the fact that I was going to live the rest of my life alone, without a partner. I had allowed myself to be hurt time and time again, and was done with it. I believed that there was no one out there for me, and I wasn't going to ever "settle" again. I had worked through all of the issues and was fine with my life alone. It took me 4 years to come to that point.
One morning, in early January, I woke so suddenly with a thought in my head that this was going to be the year that I met someone. It wasn't a dream, and it wasn't a voice. It was just a knowing. Even though I had accepted my life the way it was, it was not going to be that way. The thought lingered in my head until the sleepiness disappeared and then I never really thought about it again. That is until I met Michael...(if you haven't read the first post in this blog, now would be a good time)
The nervous, sad, melancholy part of those feelings has to do with my kids. Everything I have done up to this point has been for my children. Now they are grown and have their own lives. I have raised them to the best of my ability and am very confident in their ability to lead productive lives. They are not without their faults and I will always worry about that, but they need to be able to work that out without me as their safety net.
The excited, ecstatic, nervous feelings are for this new life that I am about to live. I sometimes still find it unreal that I have met the man that I will be spending the rest of my life with. A year ago I had come to accept the fact that I was going to live the rest of my life alone, without a partner. I had allowed myself to be hurt time and time again, and was done with it. I believed that there was no one out there for me, and I wasn't going to ever "settle" again. I had worked through all of the issues and was fine with my life alone. It took me 4 years to come to that point.
One morning, in early January, I woke so suddenly with a thought in my head that this was going to be the year that I met someone. It wasn't a dream, and it wasn't a voice. It was just a knowing. Even though I had accepted my life the way it was, it was not going to be that way. The thought lingered in my head until the sleepiness disappeared and then I never really thought about it again. That is until I met Michael...(if you haven't read the first post in this blog, now would be a good time)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Getting there
I am getting stuff packed up. I think I have it pretty much organized and my kids are going to store whatever they aren't going to use. The good thing is that my daughter and her boyfriend are going to move into the house so I won't need to move many big items. That is quite a relief! My son is going to take my couch and some tables which only leaves my computer desk and a couple other bookcases. Easy. I have all of my little things packed and seperated into what i hope to be able to take and what I don't really need right now. Only 18 days!!! I am so excited!
Is it normal to question your decisions? First and foremost, I want you all to know that more than anything I have ever wanted, I want to be with my husband. I do believe sincerely that this is the right decision. I think maybe it's the big city life that I'm questioning. I have been a small town girl for my whole life, except for a couple years, so maybe that is what is freaking me out. That's it! I have no doubts about Michael whatsoever. I know we are supposed to be together. It's being in California that is making me question myself. That isn't so bad, I can handle that! Hmmm...I just figured it out while typing this, so it probably isn't going to make much sense. Hehehe, whoo hoo!!!!!
Is it normal to question your decisions? First and foremost, I want you all to know that more than anything I have ever wanted, I want to be with my husband. I do believe sincerely that this is the right decision. I think maybe it's the big city life that I'm questioning. I have been a small town girl for my whole life, except for a couple years, so maybe that is what is freaking me out. That's it! I have no doubts about Michael whatsoever. I know we are supposed to be together. It's being in California that is making me question myself. That isn't so bad, I can handle that! Hmmm...I just figured it out while typing this, so it probably isn't going to make much sense. Hehehe, whoo hoo!!!!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Overwhelmed
I am finding myself a little overwhelmed today. I am starting to pack my shit up and trying to decide what I'm going to be able to take to California. I don't have much room in my car, and will have to store most of my stuff. Besides my clothes, I probably don't need anything else. There isn't much room at Michael's place either. I am trying to pick out the pictures that are really important, but how do I choose. They are all important, but where would I put them once I got there? My altar stuff, where is that going to go? Can't take my supplies for my lotions and stuff. AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! This is making me want to pull my hair out! How to fit 25 years of stuff into a trunk of a Monte Carlo. Too early to go get boxes, so I just sit here staring at everything. I know there is going to be something that I am going to wish I had once it is all said and done, just don't know what.
Phew...that felt good! Just venting here, nothing important. I will figure it out.
Phew...that felt good! Just venting here, nothing important. I will figure it out.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
YES!!!
I am moving to California to be with my husband at the end of this month!!! Things just fell in place. I have always believed that things happen for a reason, and if this wasn't meant to be then it wouldn't be.
I am very very excited, but I can't lie and say that there isn't a little scariness involved also. Not so much scary for me as for my family. But I have got to let go of those apron strings a little bit. I don't mean that I have been a controlling mom, just that my kids have only just had me and each other to count on. I have always been their rock, so to speak, and they knew that if they ever needed anything they just had to ask. It isn't going to be so easy now and they will have to start standing on their own 2 feet. It has been too convenient for them to have me so close to catch them when they fall.
They are very happy that I have finally found my happiness, they just don't want me to go so far away. It will be tough on the day of the move, but it will make them stronger, and they have each other. I have raised them well and they will be just fine. Being away from them doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving them. I hope they know this.
I am very very excited, but I can't lie and say that there isn't a little scariness involved also. Not so much scary for me as for my family. But I have got to let go of those apron strings a little bit. I don't mean that I have been a controlling mom, just that my kids have only just had me and each other to count on. I have always been their rock, so to speak, and they knew that if they ever needed anything they just had to ask. It isn't going to be so easy now and they will have to start standing on their own 2 feet. It has been too convenient for them to have me so close to catch them when they fall.
They are very happy that I have finally found my happiness, they just don't want me to go so far away. It will be tough on the day of the move, but it will make them stronger, and they have each other. I have raised them well and they will be just fine. Being away from them doesn't mean that I will ever stop loving them. I hope they know this.
Friday, December 5, 2008
...and then depression set in...
Well, times are tough all over I guess. My boss told me last night that he was going to have to let me go. Business is too slow and he can't afford to keep me on any longer. I have 2 more weeks and then I don't know what I am going to do. Jobs here are slim and almost nil at this time of the year. My ultimate goal is to be in California with my baby, so that is what I must focus on. Whatever I have to do to make that happen I must do. I will have to call my landlord today and tell him that I am going to have to move because I won't be able to pay my rent. I suppose I will have to stay with one of my kids or take turns bouncing back and forth between them. I don't know what I am going to do with all of my shit, but I guess I shouldn't worry about that right now. It is the middle of winter here and freezing cold, not a very good time to be moving furniture. This just sucks! I try not to get sad, but sometimes life can be so overwhelming that it just isn't possible to remain happy and positive.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Birthday Wishes
This post is for Michael's daughter. It is her birthday today and since I am not able to be there to help her celebrate it, this is the best that I can do. She told me while I was there that she once had a Curious George T-shirt and it was her favorite but it had gotten lost. So I thought I would make her a special birthday wish with Curious George. Here you go little one, and hope your day is as special as you are.
Happy Happy Birthday Tatiana!!!
I Love and Miss You!!!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
It is love, for reals
I got off the plane and tried to call him to find out where he was. As the phone was ringing I saw him standing by the door. He didn't see me right away until I got a little closer. He asked if I was trying to call him. I melted into his arms. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. The energy between us was incredible. I knew it was going to be like that. I feel him from 1600 miles away how could it not be that way.
We took a slight detour before going to his house, what can I say...hehehe. Not going to go into those details, so just use your imagination.
We arrived at his house and I was greeted by the dogs. Whoa, get down Pooh Bear. They were very excited about having a new person to jump on. I then met his mother, what a great woman she is! She and I clicked pretty well, I thought. She doesn't hold back and will tell you exactly how it is. I respect that in a person. I already miss our morning chats over coffee. We talked about anything and everything and laughed and laughed. She made me feel at home. Thank you Lynn, for everything.
Tatiana was the last one to meet. What an awesome girl! She is every bit a pre-teen. Boy do I remember those days well. She was on her best behavior the whole time I was there, and we got along great. I think she liked me, it seemed like it anyway. We talked for awhile and hung out for awhile. She talked me into going on the roller coaster with her. I thought for sure I was going to get sick, but I didn't and that was my first experience on one of those. We also went to the wild animal park. I put her in charge of the camera and she took some awesome pictures. I helped her make her grandmothers birthday cake. She did a great job with that also.
I had an awesome time the whole week. I was content to just stay at the house. I didn't have much desire to go sight seeing. We did the things we did for Tatiana and that was cool. I enjoyed every moment of my time with Michael and his family. I didn't want it to end. Now it just seems like a dream. An awesome dream, but a dream none the less.
We took a slight detour before going to his house, what can I say...hehehe. Not going to go into those details, so just use your imagination.
We arrived at his house and I was greeted by the dogs. Whoa, get down Pooh Bear. They were very excited about having a new person to jump on. I then met his mother, what a great woman she is! She and I clicked pretty well, I thought. She doesn't hold back and will tell you exactly how it is. I respect that in a person. I already miss our morning chats over coffee. We talked about anything and everything and laughed and laughed. She made me feel at home. Thank you Lynn, for everything.
Tatiana was the last one to meet. What an awesome girl! She is every bit a pre-teen. Boy do I remember those days well. She was on her best behavior the whole time I was there, and we got along great. I think she liked me, it seemed like it anyway. We talked for awhile and hung out for awhile. She talked me into going on the roller coaster with her. I thought for sure I was going to get sick, but I didn't and that was my first experience on one of those. We also went to the wild animal park. I put her in charge of the camera and she took some awesome pictures. I helped her make her grandmothers birthday cake. She did a great job with that also.
I had an awesome time the whole week. I was content to just stay at the house. I didn't have much desire to go sight seeing. We did the things we did for Tatiana and that was cool. I enjoyed every moment of my time with Michael and his family. I didn't want it to end. Now it just seems like a dream. An awesome dream, but a dream none the less.
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